January 2, 2004

My good friend wrote a very inspiring blog on the day he collected 5 years worth of one day at a time without a drink or a drug. I have been putting off writing something about this topic, and probably wont be able to say it in any different or more profound way but I feel that this is something to be shared and I have put it off for awhile.
On January 2nd, 2009, I myself reached 5 years of being clean. This is not something I like to acknowledge but it is also something that has been defining in my life and important to others as well. 5 years of being clean, not sober. Sobriety means many things to many people and to me it is a state of being, of character. Not what it says in the dictionary. For the first year or so of sobriety I was a miserable, sober, person....not who I am today. Sobriety today means that "my cup runeth over", life is really, really good. I was not planning on being alive this long and never had a desire to be a part of anything that I am doing today.
I battled with addictions to almost every drug you can think of. I aggressively abused drugs to the point that my body suffered at 18 years old with damage to my liver and stomach. I dropped out of school, was kicked out of my home several times and couldn't feel if I was dead or alive and to me it didnt matter. I hurt family, friends, and people I greatly respected....and didnt realize or care what was happening all around me. The most important part of my story was the people that God put in my life. I had a tough but loving family, had some real true friends, teachers and Pastors that stood by me. The only hope I had came from things that these people said or did during those times. I know God put them all there for me to be where I am today.
I had several relapses from the age of 18 until 21 and on January 2nd, 2004 I spent the first of these collection of days clean. There is no real epiphany there, or moment of clarity that is just when it stopped for that day and than another and another and here we are. It was never easy but once again God had the right people at the right time. A crazy girlfriend helped me realize that you can be just as miserable and insane even when you are not using which led me back, after fighting away for so long, AA. My first encounters at 13 and 15 didnt go so well. These things changed my life. Doing what people suggested, doing the opposite of everything I had ever done. I used to punch people in the face for looking at me funny and today I walk away from those situations. My whole life was running and escaping from feeling and dealing with reality as simple as it is. I still run at times, but not to things to kill me. I look at being clean as being on something because I was on something 24-7 for 11 years of my early life. Being clean is new and crazy in itself. I feel everything. I laugh harder, cry harder, love more passionatley, and breath deeper. My thinking has expanded and I hope to give this all back to many other people.
I got my GED and went to college, I have an associates degree in liberal arts and a bachelor degree in pyschology and religion and philosophy. Now I am working on a Masters degree in substance abuse and clinical psychology. I have a beautifull loving girlfriend who reminds me of how important all the small things that I never thought about really are. I have some of the greatest friends anyone could ask for and get along with my family for the first time ever. I also participate with school and counseling and help people. I have passions for things other than chemicals and criminal activity. The point being I dont even recognize who I was and how I lived. I dont know how I am alive and have these opportunities for things I dont understand I give it to God and do the next good thing. I do know that anything is possible for anyone out there. I am still strange, crazy, intense, and have moments of fear and resentment. I find hope in most things. My girlfriend asks me if I think about using or if I ever would again, and I do think about it, not as much but to this day it is my first thought or instinct, happy take some acid, sad have some coke, angry grab a drink, peaceful grab a joint, hyper grab some dope, I just dont act on it and feel pretty damn good about it. Eric Clapton is someone I greatly admire. When his son died the way he died, Eric didnt use. When I think of that I am blown away, and do not know if I could do the same, but there is my hope...that someone like Eric Clapton could do that....I can do that. Dont use no matter what life throws at you, somehow it does change and improve.
Being that this is something I dont enjoy writing I hope it didnt put you all out. I love life today and am grateful for everyone that impacted my life because I wouldnt have one without you. One day at a time....