I did it My Way

I am someone who has always done things my way. I dont mean having things go my way, or work out in ways that are favorable to me I mean doing things how I would do them...my way. One of my favorite songs is Frank Sinatra's "My Way" were he talks about all the ups downs triumphs and regrets but that no matter what he did it his way. I do things my way too. The only problem with someone like me is that doing things my way usually gets me into a geyser of trouble, most specifically with chemicals. My way of dealing with what life gives me is to escape it and the fastest way for me to do that has always been with chemicals. Sure you can do it with money, women, food, gambling, reading, tv, music, some are just much more harmful than others. When I first was introduced to the idea of getting sober, the whole turn your will over, change people, places, things, none of this stuff worked with my way of doing things. I would do what I had to and it was good as long as I wasnt using substances. I than used other things such as women. Either way by doing things my way I ended up right back with the substances. This process went on as a miserable struggle for another 7 years before I started to listen to what people were telling me. My way of doing certain things sucks. I dont know how to live or be sober, I dont know how to love and respect women, I dont have a clue how to handle money, no idea how to be honest and faithful, no idea on how to treat people with respect. My way of doing things involves ways that screw me myself and I and anyone who cares about me over. Certain things I had to change.
Today my way of doing things can be seen in many ways, at the core of me there are things that can be difficult to change. On the other hand I am sober now and I do alot of that work by generally doing the opposite of what I would normally do. Feel like drinking...call someone, thinking of stealing...work harder, feel like hurting someone physically...walk away, feeling depressed...make a gratitude list, feel like not being honest....definitely tell the truth, buildin a resentment....let it go, see things one way...look for the other way, it is all about doing something different than my way. I havent used in 5 years, havent cheated on my current girlfriend who is the only woman I have never cheated on, most people would call me an honest genuine hardworking person which is not what you would have been told 5 years ago. The other thing is that I am much happier and stress free. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is humble yourself and admit that you dont know shit and you might want to try something different. If you had a clue how to be honest, you wouldnt lie, if you had a clue how to be in a relationship you would be in a happy one, if you had a clue how to get sober you would be. Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results is the definition of insanity. I have been there and today thankfully I dont have to. I see an awful lot of it and it always proves itself true. Real change comes from actual change. Frank said it best though:

And now, the end is near;And so I face the final curtain.My friend, Ill say it clear,Ill state my case, of which Im certain.Ive lived a life thats full.Ive traveled each and evry highway;And more, much more than this,I did it my way.Regrets, Ive had a few;But then again, too few to mention.I did what I had to doAnd saw it through without exemption.I planned each charted course;Each careful step along the byway,But more, much more than this,I did it my way.Yes, there were times, Im sure you knewWhen I bit off more than I could chew.But through it all, when there was doubt,I ate it up and spit it out.I faced it all and I stood tall;And did it my way.Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.Ive had my fill; my share of losing.And now, as tears subside,I find it all so amusing.To think I did all that;And may I say - not in a shy way,No, oh no not me,I did it my way.For what is a man, what has he got? If not himself, then he has naught.To say the things he truly feels;And not the words of one who kneels.The record shows I took the blows -And did it my way!