pat on the back

Been busy, busy, busy...sometimes I can get lost in the pace of things done and things to do. Lately I sit in extremely hard classes getting my skull shattered with information that is beyond my frame of existence. Medical information that only Dr.'s should know. I get frustrated, feel out of place, lost, focused, smart and stupid all at the same time. Knowing today I am getting my ass kicked and no matter what I do today to make tommorrow a little simpler, my ass will be kicked again. It is what it is. Lately, I find it important to give myself a pat on the back. I look around the class and there are not many people who lived my life, went through my struggles just as I am sure that I havent experienced theirs, but I know for me I shouldnt be here, I never graduated high school, or had any drive to do much of anything other than dope, sports and girls. I am the total opposite of who I was and in many senses who I am. I feel real good when I can see my progress, when I can remind myself of the pain and struggle and how my problems today arent nearly as bad as my old problems were to deal with. I never expected or wanted to be in Grad school, opportunity knocked, I answered que sera sera. I am grateful for these opportunities that seem to keep coming the harder I work for them. I guess what I am trying to say is I have this feeling of living two totally extremely different lives and being able to still relate to both of them so well is sometimes unnerving. I love my life today, I loved parts of my life then but it is all a part of me. Which one really is me? There are some core things that transfer to both lifestyles but there is no belief system or structure that changes me to who I am now, some AA some spirtuality and the knowlegde that using will kill me when I do it again. I find myself in these classes wondering how in the hell i got here? When I allow myself to feel out of place everything feels ok. That is definietly strange but true. Being a student can be tough becuase of the pace and competition and its something i truely struggle with but work hard enough to prevail time and time again. I guess I like getting my ass kicked. None of this probably makes alot of sense but my brain is racked with too much info for the time being. If anything gets taken away from this its that take time to breath and give yourself a pat on the back. We all have struggles and success at different times and sometimes just take a second and breath and recognize that, it allows for a sense of accomplishment, boost in esteem, and refocusing of what is now. Everybody needs and deserves a pat on the back from time to time