Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Are things ever finished in life?

I have had the recent experience of remembering and feeling my past. Some of the horrible things I did, people I hurt, even some things I never remembered before I am becoming more aware of. I thought after all my years of therapy and meetings and talking with friends and really confronting these issues that I had found some kind of peace with them. Now that I am learning the other side of substance abuse in the actual treatment from a counselors role I am feeling and remembering what it was like for me to go to counseling and deal with some really tough stuff. As happy as I am today and completely different than I was then, this stuff still shakes me probably more now because I am shocked that I did those things. It's important to remember of course, but the playback and talking about it with people who havent had those issues who I want to be my colleagues and classmates is very uncomfortable. Being a drug addict alcoholic is a huge part of me, it is one of my defining life characteristics and I wouldnt be who I am without it so I am not ashamed to have done what I have done in that sense of how it relates to my journey, but I am not that person anymore in many ways as well so it is unnerving to relate to myself in that sense. I have been struggling with these feelings that came out of nowhere that I cannot always identify. I feel everything now to the point that I get choked up at sappy movies and even tv shows, I feel everything so much more than I ever did. When I am down I am really down and up really up, feelings are very intense and because I spend alot of time in my mind trying to identify the feeling the feeling gets confused into thought which is an uncomfortable place to be. In my daily life I dont say hey, I am a person in recovery, I feel I will gain two responses, one being the general stigma that goes with being a drug addict and the other of wow you are a strong person, both of which make me uncomfortable in a setting where people do not know me. That part of my life is very personal and alot of the things I did I am not proud of at all. Last night I told some class mates that I was indeed an addict alcoholic and I felt the pain of that part of my life and the rest of the night I havent felt really good about myself. I feel very different and alone in trying to balance helping myself and helping other people at the same time when I can relate to it all. Maybe now is the time for me to feel those feelings again and remember again so I can relate to a greater extent to the people I am trying to help or maybe this is just to further my recovery because these feelings are still there as much as when I live my daily life up until a week or two ago I dont think about them. Time will tell. It feels like nothing is ever finished when dealing with emotions because they shape character, coping, thinking, feeling, defensiveness, and sensitivity. There is acceptance and forgiveness but somethings are hard to forget. Just whats on my mind today, hope I didnt disturb anyone.....

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

rented movies to see

Some movies that have recently been watched in our home that are worth a view or two

Secret life of bees--excellent movie, well acted, great story, heartfelt

Nick and Norah's infinite playlist-usually tacky chick flicks not my thing, liked this one-good shots of NY and good music throughout the movie, fun story too.

RocknRolla-cat and mouse on drugs thats all ill say

Henry Poole is here-Very spiritual and inspiring both really enjoyed this movie

Man on Wire-documentary about the man who tight roped the world trade center was made like an illegal movie really entertaining, baffeling and crazy

Into the wild-already blogged bout it nough said

Michael Clayton-this movie is one of the better movies I have seen in some time

Half Nelson-already blogged on it nuff said

Charlie Wilson's War-interesting look at a true story of how we screwed up in the middle east, one of Tom Hank's best performances and mr. hoffman

Darjeeling Limited-love these movies by Wes Anderson this one is my favorite due to the spiritual tone of spiritual connectedness really awesome

some other time will have more

pat on the back

Been busy, busy, busy...sometimes I can get lost in the pace of things done and things to do. Lately I sit in extremely hard classes getting my skull shattered with information that is beyond my frame of existence. Medical information that only Dr.'s should know. I get frustrated, feel out of place, lost, focused, smart and stupid all at the same time. Knowing today I am getting my ass kicked and no matter what I do today to make tommorrow a little simpler, my ass will be kicked again. It is what it is. Lately, I find it important to give myself a pat on the back. I look around the class and there are not many people who lived my life, went through my struggles just as I am sure that I havent experienced theirs, but I know for me I shouldnt be here, I never graduated high school, or had any drive to do much of anything other than dope, sports and girls. I am the total opposite of who I was and in many senses who I am. I feel real good when I can see my progress, when I can remind myself of the pain and struggle and how my problems today arent nearly as bad as my old problems were to deal with. I never expected or wanted to be in Grad school, opportunity knocked, I answered que sera sera. I am grateful for these opportunities that seem to keep coming the harder I work for them. I guess what I am trying to say is I have this feeling of living two totally extremely different lives and being able to still relate to both of them so well is sometimes unnerving. I love my life today, I loved parts of my life then but it is all a part of me. Which one really is me? There are some core things that transfer to both lifestyles but there is no belief system or structure that changes me to who I am now, some AA some spirtuality and the knowlegde that using will kill me when I do it again. I find myself in these classes wondering how in the hell i got here? When I allow myself to feel out of place everything feels ok. That is definietly strange but true. Being a student can be tough becuase of the pace and competition and its something i truely struggle with but work hard enough to prevail time and time again. I guess I like getting my ass kicked. None of this probably makes alot of sense but my brain is racked with too much info for the time being. If anything gets taken away from this its that take time to breath and give yourself a pat on the back. We all have struggles and success at different times and sometimes just take a second and breath and recognize that, it allows for a sense of accomplishment, boost in esteem, and refocusing of what is now. Everybody needs and deserves a pat on the back from time to time