Longevity

Happiness is the key to my life at this point. Growing up I was a miserable person that masked most of those awful feelings with drugs of all types to help me from feeling that numb, dumb, painful misery. Take depression, add chemicals like a lot of alcohol and you get a harder depression which equals half of my life. I didn't plan to be here long, and people around me didn't expect me to either. When I got clean, I had moments of happiness but it was short lived and easily taken away. Eventually I was miserable because I acted like the same person but just didn't use the drugs to ease that pain. I was looking for happiness in every single outlet besides myself, drugs, money, girls, sex, stealing, fighting, lying, cheating, things that aren't real because they dont come from me. Happiness is an inside job. Eventually I ended up right back where I started and I did this 7 or 8 times until I finally decided that I didn't want to get clean and sober to be miserable as ever. Drugs were at least fun while you were on them. This was extremely painful but I stopped looking for happiness at the bottom of a bottle or inside someones arms. I was miserable. I had to change not the person, place or things, but me. This took a long time but after awhile I could feel things again, I could find enjoyment that was real and not artificially created, pleasure that was genuine and didn't go away. My favorite new DMB song has lyrics that represent this feeling "I am in love with nothing less, teardrops of joy runs off my face, I will rise for someone that's afraid to love, if you knew what I feel then you couldn't be so sure" "if you never flew why would you". I get that now as for a long time I was afraid to face facts. Now that I have I know that if people knew what I feel on the inside then they couldn't be so sure because if you haven't found that happiness in you why would you, you would have no idea how great the other end is.

Once I got there perspectives had to change and recently I have been thinking of a certain saying especially when you deal with other people's tragedy on an everyday basis, people are right where they are supposed to be and what they take from that is ultimately up to them. I myself choose to believe that "every event that befalls me is absolutely the best possible event that could occur--there is no other event imaginable that could benefit me to any greater degree". I like that thought because one it helps with acceptance and reality, two I stay in the present moment, and three it's helps make bad situations seem like good ones. If I can approach a terrible situation the same way that I approach a great one than I am happy either way, clear headed, and stress free. This for me is the key to longevity as if I am not happy, chemicals can enter the equation rather quickly and stress will kill you. Not using drugs is the biggest part of me still being here. I stay happy this way and it has worked for me for quite a long time now. I don't have as many down moments, or worry filled moments like I used to, my life is not as dark as it once was, and for that I am thankful. I want to stick around for what may come next because good or bad, it is for my maximum benefit. Look at the world that way and see what happens.....